#2

 Dear Irene,

 I jolted up awake this morning at 4:30 a.m. Mentally cursed myself for waking up late while rushing to the kitchen to prepare for food since I started bringing food to school. I took my sweet time to chop off the ingredients into dice though I should be rushing but heeeeeey I enjoyed quiet mornings like that. Some time later, I felt like something was wrong in my guts. I didn't feel good at all so I quickly washed my hands and dashed to the water filter and drank the water as I tried to calm my breathing on the sofa. My body didn't feel good at all. The weird feeling was indescribable, somehow like something in my body was making me stop breathing. I couldn't feel my every limbs too much either and I couldn't call out for anyone to help me since they were sleeping and no voice could even come out from my mouth. I whimpered quietly, closing my eyes trying to calm myself from panicking whilst the voice in my head chanting, " I'm gonna die" over and over again. This was the first time I was feeling that way and I don't like it at all. But I have been feeling not good in my bones these past few days. I really can't tell why.

#1

Dear Irene,

    A thing about being an empath is that I can feel other people's feelings but when I do that, I feel it too deeply as if it's my own. I couldn't stop sobbing for a few hours now even when being in the room with my family. But I believe that they don't realize that -- now I'm in the bedroom, with my mother and baby brother. The light is off so it makes me feel free to cry uncontrollably but I am trying so hard to not escaping a sob.

     The thing started when I woke up from the forty-winks, mother and baby brother was bickering and he was bawling so loudly. I couldn't take how awful it was, so I headed upstairs to wash myself. After finished doing so, I cleaned the living room briefly a little. As I did, mother kept on demeaning my brother and he hadn't stopped crying even so. Cursed and unsanctified are what she thought of him. I was eavesdropping, hurt was lying thick on the every vulgar words that she used but hatred was evident clearly. If that's really how she's trying to open the eyes of her youngest son, I doubt that he would turn out growing as a good man. For his age, my baby brother has received more humiliations than anyone else in this family. I couln't help but bursting into tears as I was trying to clean everything up. I turned my back to their direction, so they couldn't see me cry.

     I continued whimpering harder when mother uttered about what my first brother told her. My heart was clenching so tightly that it hurt. I ran upstairs again and locked myself in the bathroom, washing off the overflowing tears. I saw the reflection of mine in the mirror -- I looked horrible with my puffy eyes and red nose. I didn't know how do I hide my face, so I ended up leaving my hair untied and covering half of my face. My heart was sinking deeper and deeper. I want to just lock myself in the room and weep. But I can't. My family is lacked of compassion. I really want to open their eyes and teach them how to love properly.

    Before you think bad about my dearest tall brother whom agreed with me to be my big brother, please be considerate regarding his action towards mother. He was seriously hurt too. I can't close my eyes and sleep peacefully thinking that he's being neglected at all the time. He deserves better love from a family. We all do. But he needs it too, we shouldn't leave anyone in the family behind. But the thing about him is he's being too hard to others and he holds grudges. So that really explains why he would do such thing to her. But still, if only he would let himself be a bit soft, it would help this family a lot.

Oh Irene,
 
    Tears can't stop flowing out as I write this to you. I hate the fact that my eyes are going to be so puffy tomorrow so I excused myself from school. At first, I was truly excited to celebrate Eid at school since last week. So I told mother to make a baju kurung for me since I don't have the actual baju kurung for this year's raya. She said she would make one for me, and I couldn't be more excited then. Days passing, she had been busy and I was being a considerate person as I always am, I said it's fine, she can always sew it a day before it because I know how awesome she really is. So even at this evening, as she got home from settling things, I let her rest for hours before asking her to make baju kurung for me. Instead of getting a positive reaction as I had expected, she started being so restless about it and I felt really bad. So I told her that she doesn't even have to do it. I tried so hard to accept that she couldn't make it for me, but the images of my other siblings getting their clothes made by her without her grunting kept on appearing in my mind. I seriously can't help but feeling overly jealous about it. It kinda seems unfair to me.... but I really want to keep a positive thought about it.

Irene,

     I hate the fact that I can't stop crying now no matter how much I tried to stop. But the tears keep on falling freely. Why am I being overly sensitive today? Or is it because that's just how I am? How would you feel if you're just too empathetic and you could feel 3 people's sadness at one time and they feel like they are your own, all three of them? If you ask me, my heart feels like it's sinking lower to the limbo. I wonder if I am the only one in this family that cares about what everyone else feel and if I'm the only one who wants a perfect family, not this problematic one? Because it seems to me that they don't really care about it. Like they would want a perfect family, but they do nothing in order to strive for that perfection. So am I working on my own?

So in love

Dear Irene,

 I really had the best day today. But I wished I had recorded everything that happened when we were together. I love the way how he made my heart skipped a beat when he came to fetch me up. I thought I would ruin that perfect timing when he looked so handsome coming out of his car, but I held myself back.

 I love the time when I was just out of idea of where we were heading to, and I got to stay in the car longer with him. One time, he traced the area below my eye -- where the eyebag was and I couldn't help but to smile. Then I watched as he sat before me, having his lunch. I didn't order food for myself because I wouldn't get to pay my full attention to the human being that sat across to me. He was just too adorable. I love how I get to hold his gaze at that time and just look into his eyes. I felt like I was having a great time. The hair that I wanted to ruffle the most was styled up adorably that fitted his handsome face. I wished I could just stayed at that moment.

 4:38 p.m. We stayed in his car, having me to decide where else to go. I had troubles on trying to connect the reality and fantasy in my mind. He was planting kisses on the back of my hand and my palm, pressing them gently on his lips and his cheek. I never felt so loved that way. I was almost swooning and I knew if he continued doing that, I couldn't control myself from kissing him.

 He started driving back again, his hand was grasping mine. I fell in love with his warmth and how it felt on the cold palm of my own. Each time his hand left mine, I felt so chilly, never have I ever loved warmness kissing my cold skin that way. The way he rubbed my chin gently and how he was caressing my cheek soothingly... My, oh my. I don't want him to stop. I wouldn't want him to stop. I felt sleepy but my heart was errupted with flowers, the butterflies fluttered their wings and how I wished that's how I get lulled everytime I go to bed. I felt so so into him.

 The whole world seemed like it has stopped for a while when he grasped my hand again and I kissed it. But the time was ticking, and it was like being fast forward to 6. He commented on how soft my lips were but he didn't know that his were softer when he kissed mine. He'd sometimes trace his thumb on my bottom lip. It was tormenting me. I wanted to pull him over and plant a longing kiss on his, but I couldn't. I was so in dazed and too weak to even move.

 We reached to the place where I live, my heart was shrinking. I didn't wanna go yet, but I had to. I  missed my mother too and was too scared if she was going to scold me for reaching home past my curfew. He stopped his car again, a bit far from the guard house. I didn't want to leave him yet but he provoked me that I won't be getting any kiss. I was upset, but maybe he could tell that. So he was trying to lift my mood up saying, "come here," my heart started feeling giddy and I inched closer to his face and he kissed me on my cheek. I felt like the happiest girl to ever feel alive.

 Soon he continued driving to my house and I stayed for a little while as I stared at him. I really hate goodbye. I don't like to say it to him. And he didn't hold my hand anymore that time and the magic was gone. My palm felt a little bit warm but I don't like it. I like his warmness better. Then I kissed his soft cheek and the face that I will miss all the time. Later he waited for awhile after I got out of the car and let me get inside.

Just as he left, I felt so craving. Craving of his touch. Sleepy too. And I missed him.