#1

Dear Irene,

    A thing about being an empath is that I can feel other people's feelings but when I do that, I feel it too deeply as if it's my own. I couldn't stop sobbing for a few hours now even when being in the room with my family. But I believe that they don't realize that -- now I'm in the bedroom, with my mother and baby brother. The light is off so it makes me feel free to cry uncontrollably but I am trying so hard to not escaping a sob.

     The thing started when I woke up from the forty-winks, mother and baby brother was bickering and he was bawling so loudly. I couldn't take how awful it was, so I headed upstairs to wash myself. After finished doing so, I cleaned the living room briefly a little. As I did, mother kept on demeaning my brother and he hadn't stopped crying even so. Cursed and unsanctified are what she thought of him. I was eavesdropping, hurt was lying thick on the every vulgar words that she used but hatred was evident clearly. If that's really how she's trying to open the eyes of her youngest son, I doubt that he would turn out growing as a good man. For his age, my baby brother has received more humiliations than anyone else in this family. I couln't help but bursting into tears as I was trying to clean everything up. I turned my back to their direction, so they couldn't see me cry.

     I continued whimpering harder when mother uttered about what my first brother told her. My heart was clenching so tightly that it hurt. I ran upstairs again and locked myself in the bathroom, washing off the overflowing tears. I saw the reflection of mine in the mirror -- I looked horrible with my puffy eyes and red nose. I didn't know how do I hide my face, so I ended up leaving my hair untied and covering half of my face. My heart was sinking deeper and deeper. I want to just lock myself in the room and weep. But I can't. My family is lacked of compassion. I really want to open their eyes and teach them how to love properly.

    Before you think bad about my dearest tall brother whom agreed with me to be my big brother, please be considerate regarding his action towards mother. He was seriously hurt too. I can't close my eyes and sleep peacefully thinking that he's being neglected at all the time. He deserves better love from a family. We all do. But he needs it too, we shouldn't leave anyone in the family behind. But the thing about him is he's being too hard to others and he holds grudges. So that really explains why he would do such thing to her. But still, if only he would let himself be a bit soft, it would help this family a lot.

Oh Irene,
 
    Tears can't stop flowing out as I write this to you. I hate the fact that my eyes are going to be so puffy tomorrow so I excused myself from school. At first, I was truly excited to celebrate Eid at school since last week. So I told mother to make a baju kurung for me since I don't have the actual baju kurung for this year's raya. She said she would make one for me, and I couldn't be more excited then. Days passing, she had been busy and I was being a considerate person as I always am, I said it's fine, she can always sew it a day before it because I know how awesome she really is. So even at this evening, as she got home from settling things, I let her rest for hours before asking her to make baju kurung for me. Instead of getting a positive reaction as I had expected, she started being so restless about it and I felt really bad. So I told her that she doesn't even have to do it. I tried so hard to accept that she couldn't make it for me, but the images of my other siblings getting their clothes made by her without her grunting kept on appearing in my mind. I seriously can't help but feeling overly jealous about it. It kinda seems unfair to me.... but I really want to keep a positive thought about it.

Irene,

     I hate the fact that I can't stop crying now no matter how much I tried to stop. But the tears keep on falling freely. Why am I being overly sensitive today? Or is it because that's just how I am? How would you feel if you're just too empathetic and you could feel 3 people's sadness at one time and they feel like they are your own, all three of them? If you ask me, my heart feels like it's sinking lower to the limbo. I wonder if I am the only one in this family that cares about what everyone else feel and if I'm the only one who wants a perfect family, not this problematic one? Because it seems to me that they don't really care about it. Like they would want a perfect family, but they do nothing in order to strive for that perfection. So am I working on my own?